When I was looking around the space I was drawn to nature moving from the wind. The water rippling, the leaf blowing, the leaves switching their sides. Now I am drawn to sound. Construction. A truck beeping. A girl talking on her phone. My hand feels oddly tired. I see Rebekah moving and it makes me smile. When observing the the space I found myself a little distracted. Worried about things I need to do in the future. I want to try and be here now.
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Loosing my vision- disorientate- yet I still have the urge to make it look pretty- crafted and that means I am in control - moved and being moved - I want the feeling of being out of control in my body - after years of feeling constraint, discipline, in control, I want it to all come pouring out - thesis and solo have a similar thread
NO to control - NO to making, forcing, yes to sensation, yes to letting it POUR, that word is key. Let the body speak. Let it indulge. Let it take and reclaim the space it has been denied. Yes to the unruly - I loved that article- to be an unruly spectator - to notice that which distracts - to grant permission to the wanderings. Take it back- that is the significance of body stories Reclaiming that which was once lost or thought to be lost. We will rescue, that is what the Biblical flood was about- rewriting - reclaiming - taking back landscape. Story of redemption. Redeeming what- what do we need to redeem? I need some stillness in this dance, some quiet. Into headshake This work is about what movement unearths- what is the body trying to say- many people process through words - it grounds, connects - but what if we learned to listen in the body- what is it trying to tell us?
"Memories, thoughts, and imaginings flood through our touch, creating what is termed subjective experience: the information perceived is as much about the toucher and the toucher's history, as it is about what he/she is touching" Andrea Olsen, Body and Earth, page 63 Can we track our associations, memories, perception? Can they influence the way the material is performed? Dance is not about something. It is the something. It is knowledge within itself. In many ways my dances are about relieving the nervous system, balancing it, calming it, responding to life around me by allowing a space to do what is needed, what I need. "Skin is intimately related to the nervous system...Touch is a way of directly communicating with the nervous system, calming us or alarming us" Andrea Olsen, Body and Earth, page 66 In many ways I think I am preparing myself for the days to come. I have so many memories waiting to be written. Mutuality.
I want us to be honest in our dancing. I want us to take a risk and boil down and do what feels essential, necessary. How do I make a solo with 5 people; how can I go through the same process with others? Can I have the guts to ask for what I want instead of playing it nice? Something about the vision in the middle - eyes closed - just totally taking the vision for a ride- disorienting - loosing sense of where I am in the space - of sight failing - not being able to trust it or rely on it - feeling of being lost and unable to find where I am ending - returning to scan falling, collapsing to ground? Missing something inbetween the phrases - perform phrase of loss of vision - that quality Looking up - all a dream- woke up and all this stuff happened Fingers / head - glimmering thing Telling a story with hands Do I ever loose control? On the verge of it? Parameters? Where else do things happen? I am beginning to feel weight. I am taking comfort with grounding down; it makes me feel so much more connected. Feeling my feet flat on the floor, dropping down. I have always reached out into space, but I have not figured out how to ground, to feel a constant connection to the floor, to give it my own weight. This is the semester of orienting towards weight, into my self, instead of feeling as though I have to hold it in (up). How can I feel weight?
How do I establish my self? Felt sense- mass, weight, gravity orientation. Head reaching, slowly moving in the occipital joint, fingers wiggling, reaching lively. What about toes? Can I have the small details within the big phrasing- honing. Heavens- looking up for answers, for comfort. Returning to that part of myself and feeling somehow closer to God. Subtle within the larger framework- pay attention - here are the details - micro and macro. Hunger deep within me. To push. Let it out. Hungry. I am hungry. That is what this solo is. Build it up, only to come crashing down, but you keep building Keep on. Keep on. Don't stop trying. Have faith. Show up. Make the work that is ready to come out. Feed your self. Don't mine it all. Wait. Keep on. Wait. Have faith. Begin again. 6 minutes of material
as I continue to play it unfolds it reveals it self it is visceral- I need to play more with timing with sudden and surprising shifts maybe I surprise my self - maybe each time it is different pointer finger came back- do I consider the worlds of these other solos- do I begin to combine? Need to spend time back with big phrases- the risky component - the part that feels insurmountable can i make a dance that has a mountain to climb? can I fail? can the audience see me fail? what would that look like? What would that feel like? How can I take that risk? Can it be too big to fail? Wasn't that a financial / economic statement? Another short rehearsal - big phrase - studio time is hard - I am so driven by productivity - make something worth keeping - let go of a phrase in the middle - what would that feel like? When to let go, when to wait, when to dig in and fight. What am I - at the core that is on my mind - can I be still?
impatient, eager, ready to fight - angry but about what? tired. pour into the floor. changing container / vessel in shape and size moving on, time to go. terrified of the road ahead. I tend to keep it in - reserved with emotion, touch, physicality It's been too long in between sessions.
Writing and dancing and back to writing. What is the work about? Why do I feel a need for it to be about something? This is research into my inner landscape; letting what is hidden be revealed. It is reconnecting to something that was lost. It is letting my fears and worries not rest, not sit but become a visceral response. Is she here? Does she live in me? You are the places you reside but what if my issues reside elsewhere? What if her place is there? How do I reside with her here? How do I reside here, care about the issues. I know that I am made up of this place; I reside here in this air, food, and water. Floods. Stories of redemption. What are my questions today? I don't miss her but I feel as though I should. When the tears won't come. When I feel as though I can not be filled or fulfilled. Vessel. Feel alone in the space but I am not, never alone. I carry with me everyone I have ever known, every movement performed, my body history, body story. Maybe that is the direction I need to take. What if the dance makes itself? What if I don't try so hard, don't force the meaning. What if I let it be and wait? Show up. First step in being present. With whatever you come with, that is the material. Are you there God? My faith has been shaken. Don't be afraid to go too far. Holding, doing something, and then letting go and coming back to it.
Repetitions happening in different ways. Attention to breath, hearing/seeing with movement Breath helped visualize holding on and letting go In own world, watching you. What it was I was doing in the space felt personal. Building something Fluid. Broke it up. More contrast? Breath gives a sense of nervousness then goes away What do the gestures signify? More contrast-taking up space, pushing physicality. This is a day where I didn't want to move and didn't feel creative and felt frustrated with my lack of making.
Why do I feel like I need to make something to keep in every session? Why do I always need so much time to figure out what something is? I felt stressed that my studio time was cut short today. I wanted to jump into the work. I rushed the dropping in. Is it possible to do too much work before making? Is there such thing as too much clarity? |
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